Note

No matter how far and fast you run, you cannot outrun a brain that actively wants to kill you.

People tend to think such ramblings are a cry for help. People have tried to help. Earnest, empathetic well intentioned people with expertise. Unfortunately there is only so much someone outside can help against an opponent that is so relentless as your own brain.

Some decisions are not emotional. I have debated with myself the necessity of suicide since I was 15. At first, it was easy to win against the nasty voice. I could frighten him with scriptures and divine punishments awaiting one who takes his own life. For a while that worked. Then I could throw myself into studies and savor my laurels. I did that, got into top medical univesity in the country, earned a medical degree. For a while that worked. Then it was every other thing you could think of - meditation, excercise, therapy, philosophy, getting a pet, finding love. For a while they all worked. Unfortunately, my legs are getting tired day after day. Between the debate teams in my head, the gloomy one is getting louder, bolder and learning to voice his arguments with lot more clarity in the last 15 years.

I will be the first to admit that the idea of suicide is primarily a selfish undertaking. You are looking for a way to get out of your misery. You are not concerned about the misery your actions cause others. You are spitting on the face of all the people who invested their time and energy into you. You are turning back on all the fortunes you never deserved but was just bestowed on you. A body without malformations in itself is a train many missed. A genetic make up so many ancestors literally guarded with their life. An education that cognitively enhanced you, made you articulate. Good air, clean water, enough food. I understand. I am grateful. On the other side of balance, however, are little molecules in my brain that won’t come out to play, and that nasty rascals are determined to weigh their side down.

I am writing this way before to prepare myself. It is possible that one of these days I might end my own misery. It is also possible that I will turn my life around and will be cruising with a new found purpose and high. Either way I need to write, so that I have something tangible to analyse.